the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
