i already hear my dad disowning me
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
