Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
