We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
