onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
