Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You ruined the universe
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
