It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize