Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
