3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
