I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
