Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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