She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
