I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
