I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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