Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
