Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
