I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
