My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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