I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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