I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize