she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
