Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
