38 yer olds are good kisserssss
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
