Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
