Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
