i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
