I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Randomize
