I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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