I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
