Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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