we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
