this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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