I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
