Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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