I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
