Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
