I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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