I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
