Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
