I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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