My underwear smells like fireworks.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
