i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
