You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
