Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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