Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I think your dad took our porno
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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