I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
