He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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