This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
There was a lot of him and a little penis
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize