i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I have aggressive nipples.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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