I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
this is an emotional support booty call
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
