Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
