whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
