last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Randomize
