The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
