had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
