This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
