Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Randomize
