I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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