man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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