I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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